Trauma

 Hey y'all.  What's popping?

So I have been in active therapy for a minute.  Finally dealing with my demons and shit. I have realized that in order to move forward, I have to heal that little girl inside.  I also follow this world renowned trauma specialist, Dr. Gabor Mate', and this quote has stuck with me: 

"Not every person who has trauma becomes an addict, but every addict has had some form of trauma."

But folks have to understand that anything you obsess about can become or be seen as an addiction.  His other quote is :

"The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain."

I've been learning a bunch about myself and the choices I have made in relationships and decisions in the past. 

I was having this strange internal dialog with myself and realized the answer to this thing that has plagued me almost since the beginning of this blog. Why can MzNewy say she has never been in love? By Job I think I've got it.... You cannot belong to or love anyone else until you belong to and love yourself. MzNewy came to you broken and tattered. I mean really, remember when I told you about my self-esteem issues? I was struggling because I was trying to be everything to everyone and I wasn't being true to me and what I wanted.

So what caused this epiphany? Hmm. Newy has been honest with you for the most part since the beginning of the blog. However, there are some things I have omitted. When you go back and read the archives, you see a few turning points in my writing:

 Turning point 1) March/April 2006 - When my friend Eric died suddenly. I came face to face with my own mortality, like really face-to-face. Not that folks I know haven't died, but this was different. Eric was the picture of health. He ate right, worked out daily, loved God and was an awesome dad to his sons. Eric was only 45. At that time I was having health challenges and while I was trying to solidify my relationship with God, I was struggling. It was during this time I retreated into a shell and questioned whether I was worthy to walk with God given all that I had done in life.

 Turning point 2) December 2006 I had the first of a couple of surgeries to correct some health issues. The second one was October of 2007. Specifically October 29. I didn't blog about it because I wasn't looking for a pity party. I can tell you, that was the second time I face my own mortality. After the October 2007 surgery. I vowed to live life to the fullest and was ok for the most part but was still looking for love in all the wrong places.

 And my final turning point... October 28, 2011 when my mom passed. This event made me feel disconnected from God and broken. That pain was indescribable. My mom and I had such a complicated relationship and until recently, I didn't explore why I was stuck. So I started going to therapy. I was stuck because I had some unresolved trauma concerning her. I had so many unanswered questions. My therapist had me write a letter to her.

I still hadn't addressed the childhood traumas that haunted me. On the surface, everything was fine, but I was still struggling to feel worthy. Over the years I struggled with varying addictions. Not necessarily to substances, but to drama, sex, gambling, sometimes alcohol, really any numbing thing that would take my focus off my pain.

I felt like my mother didn't like me and I wasn't good enough. I didn’t feel loved, valued or wanted. Because I didn’t feel special, I gave myself to anyone who showed me kindness. I tried to buy friends and needed folks to need me because that would keep them around.  

So yes, Dr. Mate', the real question is why the pain? Because I never went back to that little girl and said "You are enough". Therapy is working. I used to blog about some of my pain, but I really needed a professional to help me unpack it. I don't have all the answers, probably won't until I leave this side of the dirt, but what I do have is a roadmap to healing and that is a great place to start.

Thanks for reading.

MzNewy