About Me

My photo
Mother of 2, Child of God in Atlanta "They always ask me if I make it am I going to forget about them, but the question is, if I don't make it will they forget about me?" My spin : RealTalk When u are up everyone wants to hang on, but look for the ones that let you lean on when you are down. Remember...don't just look for me when I am up, support me when I'm down. ♥ In prosperity, your friends know you, in adversity, you know your friends. I asked God for strength, I got adversity. I asked God for wisdom, I was made a fool of. I asked for patience, I had a difficult relationship. I looked back, He gave me what I asked for. Adversity showed me I was stronger than I thought; being a fool opened my eyes to discernment making me wise; the difficult relationship showed me that patience is earned not given. Blessings come in many forms, not all of them recognizable.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

I Look To You

I have pretended long enough. I have had on the "strong face", the Christian "she is outta pain" face, and the "I know I will see her again face". Today I give God my real face, after all I was only fooling myself anyway. God, I am lost. I feel like I have been through so much in the last 12 months. As Whitney says "I'm lost without a cause...I've given it my all....After all that I've been through...who on earth can I turn too?" My strength is gone. God, I am looking for the footprints in the sand because right now I can't go on.

Those I thought I could lean on are only here with ulterior motives. I have no one here for me yet I am always the shoulder for everyone else. Where is my shoulder when I need it????? Lord I am crying out to you.

Today I can't keep on the face anymore. I have not really mourned my mom...trying to be strong but I am not strong...I am just a daughter who misses my mother. My levees are broken and all my walls are down. Lord you know just how much I am going through right now. I am broken, my marriage is in shambles and I am tormented.
I have no choice...I look to You. I can't let the enemy put me in despair to the point that I don't want to be here any longer. I can't eat. I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I just want to never wake up. Lord help me. I need you more than ever now.


Anonymous said...

Read this....and I just prayed for you and your situation. I know God will renew, revive, refresh and strength you.

Newy said...

Thank you. I need that. Like more than you ever know. The tears just keep flowing. I can't stop. It is the first time I truly cried in months.

bayoucreole said...

Newy why would you want to stop the tears? Tears are cleansing for the soul...you have to get that out.
Hun, have a good cry and cry whenever the mood hits you. That was the one thing I allowed myself to do when my mom passed. I promised myself that, I would cry whenever and where ever the feeling hit me.
My mother was dead and I missed her. No shame in crying about that.

Mizrepresent said...

When i read this, i just prayed for you. Wanted to hug you and tell you your prayers have already been answered. I have been here before and God's mercy and grace got me through so i know without a doubt he will do the same for you.

Newy said...

@bayou ~ Everyone expects me to be strong. I'm the oldest girl. Been in the military, have been known as the goto person. It really hit me when we had to go through her stuff last weekend. Alot of it went to donation. But to see how much she loved us...She still had my journal from 3rd grade, old report cards, Thousands of pictures. It was overwhelming emotionally. As long as her stuff was still just the way she left it, there was hope of her coming back. I was so far in denial...My mom is dead. I finally have said it...finally admitted it....now I need to look to God for healing.

Miz ~ Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for your e-hug...It's hard to explain the dark cloud to folks who have never been here before. They think you should just "snap out of it"

chele said...

I totally agree with bayoucreole. God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. So cry! Cry! Cry! and then cry some more. God never told us to be strong. He told us to lean on and depend on Him in all things. I was having these same feelings of being lost this week. I stood in my kitchen and told God, "I'm lost and I don't know how to pray about this. Help me."

bayoucreole said...

I know how you feel Newy. I'm the only girl so, all the men in my family (all 7 of them..including my dad) looked to me.I am to goto person in my family as well. Because I'm the only female, I was the one who had to discard of my mother's clothes and anything that I did not want. My dad couldn't handle it. I sorted her clothes and cried. I wrote the obituary and cried. I made the program for the funeral and cried. I painted my mother's fingernails while she laid in her casket...and cried. Believe me when I say, there is STRENGTH in those tears you cry.
You have the God given right to cry...even Jesus wept.

Anonymous said...

Reading this has touched my heart deeply. You do not have to be strong. You can act however feels right to you right now. Cry if you need to, scream if you like. Just like your siblings, you have lost your mother. Be open to your loved ones and let them know what you need (space, time, help with some of the final tasks, etc.)

May God's. Peace, Love and Strength. Carry you through this.

Beautifully Complex said...

Your honesty with yourself and even just us bloggers is more therapeutic than you could know. You loved her she loved you, this is real loss that cannot be minimized. Know that many are praying for you and with you.