Mother's Day...Again

 I absolutely hate Mother's Day.  😥

I get a knot in the pit of my stomach the entire week leading up to it.  I try to stay out of the stores.  I don't want to see the cards and flowers.  I know it has been 11 years this October, but you never really get over losing your mom.  But there is another reason I dislike Mother's Day.  May 9, 2011, the day after Mother's Day, the doctor's confirmed that my mother had Stage IV pancreatic cancer. 

We had a very complicated relationship.  I think that is what I regret most.  I had my mom for 41 years. 41 Mother's Days.  41 Thanksgivings.  41 Birthdays. 41 Christmases. Since she has passed I have had 11 May 29ths, 11 December 25ths, 11 4th Thursdays in November, 11 2nd Sundays in May.  Yep...they are now just days to get through...I need to stop existing and learn to live again but I can't.  I am in a continual state of grief and regret.  Some days, I forget she is gone but I have some unresolved Mommie issues.   

My mom was very critical of me. I felt like I could never do anything right.  I was never skinny enough, smart  enough, pretty enough...I was just never enough....I think I passed on that criticism to my kids.  I'm trying to fix it before it's too late.  Parenting the way I was parented.  Being hard on them thinking it can push them to be better.  Only now, looking back with 52 year old eyes, I realize this is harmful to who they can become.  I was staring at this picture

...at that little insecure girl in me that needs mothering, encouragement and healing.  I think what bothers me the most is that I never got a chance to ask her why she was so hard on me. Why did she make me feel undeserving of love and encouragement? Why wasn't I worthy of praise?  

On my vision board, I have some healing mantras: 

I have to know that I am enough. I have to reprogram myself.  One day and one step at a time. 

Day 1....again. 

I found this post, and it spoke to me.  This is a New Blogger I found  Named Chelsea (Chels)

Thanks for reading.

MzNewy