I just need to get away from my thoughts. Some days I think I am ok, then I get a reminder that I am mentally fragile.
I was married for a short time. I
loved him carried a torch for him since I was 27. He was so not good for me. Back then he cheated. I am going to be honest, I have an addictive personality. I often overindulge in ANY and EVERYTHING...I have this overwhelming need to WIN. Follow me here...so if I want cake, I can't have a slice, I have to eat the whole damn thing. If I want to go to the casino, I have to spend everything before I leave. If I want to have sex, I want to have it until I am physically exhausted. So it was no different with him. Even though I knew HE WAS NOT GOOD for me, I wanted to win him. We should have NEVER gotten back together and we definitely should not have gotten married. The problem with the addictive syndrome that I have is that it mimics bi-polar type syndrome...see if I am in, I am all in and I go hard for whatever it is I want...but then when I get it, I lose interest. I am either hot or cold. There is no warm, there is no middle ground...off or on...just like a light switch. That is why we shouldn't have gotten married. I just wanted to win. Then when I got the prize {him} I realized all these annoying azz things about him...and when he cheated, that was my out...the light switch went off. I couldn't bring myself to forgive him for cheating nor myself for marrying him.
Knowing this about myself, I decided to unplug for awhile. I
was am a FB addict too...and that is not good for my mental. I know that folks only post the good going on in their lives but for me, a person who has an overwhelming need to win, I
can't won't keep subjecting myself to the torture of feeling I don't measure up. So I disconnected. I didn't delete my profile, didn't post a "I'm deleting my account" send off status...No, I simply changed my profile picture to this
and logged off.
My geeks get it...I am an IT person first....so yes the object invoked {me} has disconnected from its clients {FB friends and followers}. I probably won't go back. When I first got on FB, I think it was 2007, I created an account then didn't log on for about a year and a half...right after my 20 year reunion in 2008, I started interacting with folks from high school on there. I got addicted to following what was going on in folks lives etc....and me, a person who use to THRIVE on anonymity, I began posting pictures and stuff ALL THE TIME....It was weird. I was posting stuff for accolades....so much so that I was also neglecting my blog. So I go from a person who liked the anonymity of a blog where I could share the real me to a character in one of my stories who only posted the flyest shyt...the most thought provoking 140 characters for likes and kudos. Who the fawk was I becoming?!?!?!?!?!?! This was crazy...and if I didn't get enough likes I would post again...it was too much.
So I am back blogging. The first thing I did was remove pictures of me and fade back to obscurity. I think that will help me write the way I use to...it will help me with the therapeutic need I had to blog. I am a mental mess. I have to get my shyt together. I don't want to go to a therapist I just want to write it out and see where this goes. *sigh* This is my space...my mental couch....and right now, I just need to lay on this couch and talk some shyt out. I don't know who reads me, and right now, it is not about that...I just need a place to mentally dump without feeling like I am being judged.
MzNewy
4 comments:
The struggle is real. When I get bored, I tend to want to log on to FB just to look around. I have to find something to do with my time. This is day 3...I think it is like withdrawal. One of the first things I did was uninstall the app from all my devices. Then I logged off on my desktop. I feel like I have a physical illness...a knot in the pit of my stomach. I think I will go to the gym this evening. Take a good run. I have to refocus. I can't remember what I used to do before I was always on FB....weird...Shyt I think I lived my life on FB the past 7 years...scary...creepy and scary.
Day 4...it's easier today. You know what else...I also reviewed my phone bill for the last month...I decided to chill out on the outgoing calls and texts. Yep...let folks check for me for once. I found that my phone isn't ringing nearly as much as it was when I was initiating the contact. Funny, you never realize that the older you get, the smaller your circle becomes.
it must be something about the change in seasons...Fall is upon us and it is a time to shed off the dead, the stuff that will not bring us harvest in the Spring.
it is like you took a page from my journal...I didn't know whether to shout or cry... this is/ was/ my life... I believe every so often we have to repurpose our life... as we grow, and lessons are learned the more things will irritate us.. the less we will settle for keep up the good fight on unplugging from the matrix
Luv...I forgot you are in DC...yes...we must connect.
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